


Kitty Wars

by Sadisticsparkle (sadisticsparkle)



Category: Avengers Assemble (Cartoon)
Genre: Cats, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-03 19:43:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20458433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadisticsparkle/pseuds/Sadisticsparkle
Summary: Once upon a time, in a city that never slept, there was a dirty, narrow alley that only rats, drunks and crooks visited. Nobody liked it, but there was a cat that called it ‘home’. A cold, smelly home, but a home nevertheless and since the cat had never been anywhere else, it didn’t complain.





	Kitty Wars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marumo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marumo/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Kitty Cat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19062793) by [marumo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marumo/pseuds/marumo). 

Once upon a time, in a city that never slept, there was a dirty, narrow alley that only rats, drunks and crooks visited. Nobody liked it, but there was a cat that called it ‘home’. A cold, smelly home, but a home nevertheless and since the cat had never been anywhere else, it didn’t complain.

One day, the cat was minding its own business when there was a noise so loud it made the cat’s ears tremble. It had never heard such a ruckus — clangs and thuds and crashes and screams. But it wasn’t scared, for it was a cat that had led the dangerous, lawless life of a stray. Few things scared it, indeed.

It was, however, annoyed because its nap had been interrupted and as we all know, cats value their naps immensely. Maybe if it curled into itself, the noise would stop or its soft fur would dampen the noise. Idly, the cat wondered what was going on. It didn’t sound like cats fighting or dogs or like the monsters other cats said were called ‘cars’. But even if it was not scared for it was a brave cat, its whole body trembled — wait, it was not its body. _The floor_ was moving and shaking. The cat meowed loud and clear, ordering it to stop. As everybody knows, cats vastly overestimate their ability to control the world around them.

The sound stopped as the cat knew it would and then light flooded the cat’s home. When it looked up, there was a very big thing between its home and the sun. It was a human, but it reminded it of a very friendly dog. The kind of dog that didn’t try to eat you — that is, the kind of dog that only existed in dreams and stories, at least in the cat’s opinion. All the dogs it had met had been yapping monsters with very large teeth.

‘Oh, are you lost?’ the thing said. Definitely a human. Only humans talked like that and only humans pretended to not understand cats. The human picked it up and the cat froze at first. But the human was a warm human and there hadn’t been any kicks or screams. ‘Hm. No tags. A stray then.’

Instead of putting the back inside its home, the human walked towards some sort of very big car. The cat considered scratching the human but when the human sat down, the cat decided it would be better to stay and curled on the human’s lap. It was warm, the sun was shining and the cat still hadn’t had its nap.

When it woke up, it was no longer in the big car. Wherever it was, the cat had never been to a place like that. It was very dry, there were no dogs around and there were plenty of sunny spots. The cat crawled across the fluffy ground, expecting to be kicked any minute. But it did not happen. Instead, all the humans acted strangely. When they spotted the cat — which was annoyingly often, even when the cat was being stealthy —, they picked it up and cuddled. They talked to it in weird gibberish. They petted it. The cat was glad — it had always deserved such attention, but most humans were too dumb to notice and would instead shoo it away.

The cat decided that it would stay in the place. It had been the only logical decision. Napping on the floor was very enjoyable. The humans were smart enough to give the cat special food as a distraction. It did not work because the cat was too smart for them and would also steal food from their own plates. They yelled, but nothing else came out of it. There were also interesting toys around the place — string and small things that moved and lights that bounced around. It was a nice life, the cat thought.

But what he liked best was following the nice human who had picked him up. It was a very busy human, walking around the place all the time and talking to everybody, but never forgetting about the cat. Yes. It was a better life than the life at the alley.

There was only one small problem — the other cat. It looked human and talked like a human and the humans were fooled, but not the cat. It knew. How could it not? The clinging. The stretching. The rubbing against the nice human. The staring at the cat. The only possible explanation was that somehow, the other cat had managed to infiltrate the humans. The cat had to respect the other cat’s cunning — its disguise had ensured the nice human paid plenty of attention to it. He’d pet it when it approached him and let it rub against him. They’d sleep curled together on the sofa. The nice human always smelled like the other cat.

It was very annoying and if the nice human was too stupid to realize the truth, the cat had only one option — to unmask the fake human. There was only space for one kitten in that town.

The first step of the cat’s plan was simple, like all the steps in a cat’s plan. It had to keep watch. At first, the plan had been interrupted by a pigeon invasion of the cat’s perimeter that demanded immediate reaction. When the cat returned from its battle — a battle that would go down in the memory of all the birds involved, the cat was sure of that —, the cat knew it had to celebrate. And what better way to celebrate than a nap in the best sunny spot in the area, the one on top of the fluffy thing the humans liked to sit on?

But alas, it was not to be. The other cat, cunningly, had used the opportunity to steal it! It was curling on top of the fluffy thing and the cat could swear it was purring. And that was not the worst of it. The human — it had surmised he was called Steve —was sitting next to the other cat. That had been the goal plan then, the cat thought, when the other cat climbed on top of Steve’s lap.

The cat had had enough. It wouldn’t allow such wanton, flagrant provocation. Elegantly, with the effortless aura of a… a cat — the cat was bad at metaphors, which wasn’t its fault, for it was a cat —, it darted towards Steve and jumped on his lap. The other cat pushed him off with disdain.

‘Tony, don’t be mean.’

‘I’m not being mean. Just jealous.’

A-ha. Only a cat would think like that! Surely Steve would realize the other cat’s ruse now.

‘No reason to feel jealous’, Steve said and picked it up. ‘I’m big enough for both of you.’

… Steve probably was a dog. Nothing else could explain his dumbness. Offended, it climbed down. It was not about to share anything with some random fake human. It had better sense than that and a lot more pride.

The cat came back after chasing down some mysterious light that kept bouncing around the room until it was gone. Steve was still on the sunny spot, now clearly asleep. The other cat was still there as well.

The cat walked between the other cat’s legs. Maybe if it acted as if it had been fooled, the other cat would lower its guard.

‘Well, you are cute,’ the other cat said. Ha. No matter how much the other cat flattered it, it wouldn’t budge. ‘Do you have a name?’

Well, ‘it’ counted as a name, probably. The cat had never needed another one.

Steve stirred in his sleep and then opened one eye. ‘I was thinking something cute and sweet. Like you.’

‘What? It’s not a sweet cat. It’s a mean one,’ the other cat said and slid closer to Steve.

Maybe he was a fake human, but at least the other cat knew the truth about the cat’s personality. It was a very mean, very astute cat. It had survived in that alley after all.

‘What about Cupcake?’

‘Why would you even name him that?’

‘We found it under a cupcake box.’

‘You shouldn’t be allowed to name anything.’

‘Is that a yes?’

‘Yeah. Sure, that’s your new kitty. Cupcake.’

It had been called worse things, the cat thought. ‘Cupcake’ did not sound so bad.

‘_Our_ new kitty.’

‘I don’t like it.’

‘You’re petting it.’

‘So? It doesn’t like me either.’

‘It’s letting you pet it.’

‘That means nothing.’

The cat purred in agreement. Steve did not understand cats, at all. The… Well, it decided that since it had a name, it wouldn’t do to ignore it, at least privately. Cupcake thought that it was a cat’s prerogative to ignore its name whenever a human used it. You wouldn’t want humans to believe you cared about them. Realizing it had been denied its nap, Cupcake climbed the sofa and settled down between the other cat and the human.

It would try to unmask the other cat some other day, but because it was very sunny and very warm, Cupcake soon fell asleep.


End file.
